When Passion Confuses Sexual Arousal and Fear

"At least I felt something," I found myself instinctively saying after a friend crept towards me and shook my shoulders. Barely, I watch horror films and I have never really ridden a rollercoaster. So, this playful attack arose a sensation I am not familiar with. Though, it was in its familiarity that I began to think deeper. The "something" that I felt was explicitly fear, though the increased heart rate and rise of adrenaline did not feel all that opposed to sexual arousal. Allow it to be understood that I am not sexually attracted to the person who attempted, and succeeded, to shock me. But, I could not help but wonder how similar fear and sexual arousal truly are. And, if this lack of distinction between the two could be the cause and catalyst for people finding themselves within abusive relationships.

Upon sexual arousal, dopamine is released by the hypothalamus in one's brain. Due to its reactions of satisfaction and motivation, this neurohormone is most commonly associated with positive connotations. However, during an experience of heightened fear, the same neurohormone is released. Therefore, a sensation of pleasure is granted during states of distress. Similarly, anxiety and excitement both stimulate one's body to release adrenaline. As described by Harvard Business School, the two emotions own opposing mindsets - excitement with an opportunity mindset and anxiety with a threat mindset. Although the chemical reaction that automatically occurs during both of these experiences are equal, we can psychologically alter which one we feel through strategies such as self-talk. Simply stating, "I am excited" during moments of feeling anxiety can train your psyche to birth this transition.

Science Direct suggest that arousal can be categorised into positive and negative concepts regarding their intensity. They identify high arousal with "passion" and "terror". It is within these blurred lines of extreme arousal that I believe the terror experienced during an abusive relationship can be misconstrued as passion. As an extreme expression of love. Alternatively, Science Direct connect low arousal with "boredom", as well as "gentleness". Many times I have witnessed people enter relationships state that they lack a sense of desired stimulation and fire. It encourages me to assume that what is often perceived as boredom and a lack of passion, is respect. A simple kindness that is calm - safe.

When I began researching this topic, I considered if people with a mental illness, such as depression, are more vulnerable to abuse in intimate relationships. Depression causes people to feel emotionally numb - enhancing a sensation of detachment. Eggshell Therapy and Coaching describe one's experience of emotional numbness as being "an outside observer of your own life". The desperation to feel something, anything, that accompanies depression may support the theory of an increased vulnerability one with depression faces with abuse. A surge of arousal could be what cracks through and sparks feeling once again. This could be passion. Though, it could be terror masquerading as passion.

On countless occasions, I have witnessed couples within an abusive relationship, emotional and/or physical, be most compatible with the sexual aspect of their partnership. Searches found on Reddit, an online social forum, include, "How to stop the attraction to abusers?", "Does anyone else experience a severely high libido in abusive relationships?" and "I am attracted to abusive women... Suggestions?" These individuals are aware of the danger their desire leaves them in, but they lack the understanding of their own emotions. The truth is, their minds are conditioned to gravitate towards these types of relationships as it is what they are most familiar with. Even with an acknowledgement of the destruction another's behaviour is causing them, they simply cannot imagine it any other way. In the book 'What Happened to You?', Dr D. Bruce Perry explains the incapability of somebody attracting abusive partners to find a safer alternative as such: "In fact, if you get into a relationship with somebody who's not treating you poorly, you may find yourself feeling increasingly uncomfortable."

I wonder, in the ways that we are able to use self-talk strategies to convert anxiety into excitement, can we implement a clear distinction between fear and sexual arousal with similar practices? When in a harmful situation, perhaps speaking "I am afraid" or "I am in danger" can crisp the lines between these emotions that are too often misconceived. Should you have been in an abusive relationship, or are currently in one, know that you are not the source of blame. If you are sexually attracted to them even though they hurt you. If you love them though you want to hate them, this is all part of being human. Bystanders are not experiencing the same chemical reactions that you are towards your abuser, so ask them what they see. Their lines are not blurred and their words could encourage the change that you do not feel capable of acting upon. Otherwise, if you know somebody who you own concerns for their safety, do not wait for them to ask for your support. Help them understand what is happening inside of them and reassign their blame. Be a friend.

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