The Longing and Avoidance of Intimacy

Once we said our goodbyes after a night that continues to roll through the screen in my mind, I sat on the train with an unknown feeling. It was almost as if I had left him with a part of myself that was now missing. The sudden absence of his presence felt devastating. I was lost and craved for him to find me, again. After processing this experience, I feared the intense attachment that I grew to a man, who I barely knew, was unhealthy. My concerns led me to purchase a book that would allow me to become educated on why I felt this way about him - and how I could prevent myself from feeling this again.

'Attached', written by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., is the very book that I am referring to. The concepts discussed within it revolve around adult attachment theories. It highlights the three main attachment styles that we possess - secure, anxious and avoidant. The most effective way to explain these styles is, I believe, with the 'Two Attachment Dimension Scale' by Brennan, Clark and Shaver. Appearing almost as a pathway to self-discovery, two lines cross over each other to create four sections - containing the three attachment styles already mentioned, as well as one labelled "anxious-avoidant", a combination of the two styles. The diagram indicates that if you do not avoid intimacy and do not possess anxious thoughts within romantic relationships, you own a secure attachment style. If your anxiety in relationships is high, but your avoidance of them is low, you have an anxious attachment style. Alternatively, you have an avoidant attachment style if your anxiety in relationships is low and you do all that you can to avoid them. Then, there is the rare statistic, only 5% of adults, who own an anxious-avoidant attachment style - where they crave intimacy with another, but become uncomfortable once they receive it. This is the category I found myself in.

The anxious side of me tends to be the most apparent to others. All my emotions, especially negative ones, become heightened. Often, the internal thoughts of an anxious person can induce a sensation of overwhelm. This is why it is beneficial for an anxious person to be with a secure partner as they are able to recognise their additional needs for reassurance than those of another secure person. "Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs," articulates the book. Though this mental structure can, at times, be emotionally draining, we tend to love the way that we want to be loved. Therefore, I would aim to give my partner reassurance and understanding. Wanting an intimacy beyond compatibility.

Despite this longing for human intimacy, there is a part of me that finds the feeling unnatural and uncomfortable - the avoidant part. As most people grouped into this category do, I value my independence. My trust in others (men) is low, so I intentionally refuse to give another person the power to raise these feelings of anxiety within me. This fear of dependency, I believe, has increased as the generations grow. There is a desire to be reliant on only one's self. However, the need for human dependancy is part of our chemical makeup. In fact, the book 'Attached' describes dependency as "a fact". And that, "it is not a choice or a preference". Though the environment in which we must "survive" in has evolved, we are not rid of our survival instincts to partner with another being. Alas, attempting to be entirely independent is only creating a war against your mind and your human needs. 

Many people recite that we came into this world alone, so we can leave it alone. I do not believe this to be true. You would not exist without the contribution of other humans. 'Attached' states, "We've been bred to be dependant on a significant other. The need starts at the womb and ends when we die." Not only is human dependency a natural need we are birthed with, it can be a blessing. For, I understood through reading this book that allowing yourself to rely on another human, thus gifting somebody the responsibility of your emotions, can enrich your life. After some thought, now I do believe this to be the love that I seek. Not an all-consuming infatuation that blurs the rest of the world that does not exist within their eyes. Rather, a love that makes colours seem brighter. Life, that bit better.

Despite the, seemingly, majority's opposite opinion, I adore the film La La Land, directed by Damien Chazelle. It explores the concept of choosing between owning the beauty of romantic love, or one's ultimately desired career. During my weekend breaks from school, I would wake up at six o'clock in the morning and watch a movie before spending the rest of the day working on my artistic portfolio. Yet, no picture has disrupted the ability to concentrate on a task as much as that film did. The concept of choosing between the two, not acquiring both, caused my teenage mind to spiral. All day, and some thereafter, I pondered the question - love or career? Concluding my thoughts, I rested on love. It was all I ever wanted.

If you are reading this and relating to the way I describe my longing and preference for loving somebody and being loved back by them, you may understand how having an avoidant adult attachment style can drain one's soul. Love is uncontrolable. We can work and work until we reach the top of whatever ladder our hearts and minds motivate us to reach. But, we cannot climb for love. It finds us. Occupying both anxious and avoidant attachment styles resembles two individuals living inside of one body - fighting each other with different languages. These attachment styles are not well paired, with opposing needs and wants, the result of satisfaction is almost impossible to meet. Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller remark, "anxious and avoidant people can bring out the worst in each other."

Let us go back to the early hours of the morning that I spent on a train travelling in the opposite direction to a man I felt utterly connected to. My longing for intimacy was met because I felt safe and secure. With true feelings of admiration and attraction, I was able to give enough of myself to them that could satisfy my desire for romantic love. In that moment, I felt like I had found what I had wanted all of my life. Though, we were not logistically and, perhaps, emotionally compatible. Heavily outweighing any of my positive emotions, the barriers between us were too great to sustain a healthy relationship. Part of me believes that, subconsciously, this was my purposeful intention. I knew that we could never be in a relationship. Therefore, the avoidant part of me knew that any feelings I developed for this person could not, and would not, be acted upon - true intimacy may not be fulfilled. 

Both anxious and avoidant attachment styles struggle to live for the moment. Burdened with a busy mind of overthinking situations, while building barriers to implement distance between others and the heart. Ultimately, the goal is security. To adapt an avoidant or anxious adult attachment style into one of a secure person. In the book, aiming for the target of security is referred to as that it is "not only about tackling problems in your relationship; it's also about having fun together." People with anxious and avoidant attachment styles, especially those with both, can lose sight of this. Acknowledging and attempting to understand your own emotions is imperative. Do not disregard them, work with them. For, how must you expect a partner to accept these needs if you cannot do so yourself? I found, I felt, what it is that I long for. Only, with the wrong person. Determination to keep my heart open for the right person to find is what I shall pursue.